Caring well for men: the part women can play.
I was perusing Target the other day and that trip has encouraged me to write this blog. As I was walking through the aisles with my shopping basket, I overheard a gal mention how much she really dislikes men. Nothing more, nothing less - and I imagine that if I nonchalantly stopped and pretended to look at something in the aisle, there might not be more to that comment. It didn’t seem like she hated men, or even that she wanted to live on a planet free of them. I would imagine that there probably was some level of pain in her soul, probably caused by a man, that was the source behind the comment. Yet I still find myself thinking about that encounter and what it might mean for the mental well-being of both men and women in the future.
Men increasingly struggle with the reality of loneliness - minimal, if any, social support, pressure to work and financially provide, and the expectation to “be strong” and hide emotions, except for maybe anger. This dynamic only perpetuates the already problem of substance misuse, suicidal ideation and attempt, and depression amongst today’s men. Anger is a secondary emotion - underneath the anger is typically an emotion that feels more vulnerable - hurt, sadness, loss, despair, regret, guilt to name a few. These primary emotions don’t always get the opportunity to be acknowledged, felt, validated, and supported as a result of the loneliness crisis occurring in and around men, which also then just perpetuates men feeling lonely.
I want to focus on the “around men” factor that contributes to men’s loneliness, and eventually poorer mental health status. The “I really don’t like men” narrative. I want to preface this with nothing that’s written in this blog post is meant to excuse men from taking responsibility for any of their poor behavior, past, present, or future. Just as men are fully and solely responsible for their behaviors, so are women responsible for theirs. Moving along - in my sessions, I constantly remind people that there is a difference between what they think, or what they feel, or what they do and who they are. Let’s use men and anger as an example - when a man feels angry (or insert primary feeling), it doesn’t have to mean that he acts angry. Or if he acts angrily, it doesn’t have to mean that he is aggressive or abusive. I like to believe that when men are given the chance to develop a healthy, boundaried relationship with their emotions, including the vulnerable ones too, we see their anger start to subside.
How can women play a part in this? First, develop a healthy and boundaried relationship with your own emotions, especially the vulnerable ones. The more comfortable and secure we are with our own sadness, hurt, disappointment, grief, regret, and guilt, the more open we are to sitting with these emotions in men without getting overwhelmed by them and risking further invalidating or minimizing their pain. The more grounded we are in the concept that feelings are just feelings, they come and they go, the more helpful we can be. Real quick tangent, but I also want to address the frustration that women may feel as it relates to the often reported emotional unavailability of men and having to “teach or re-parent” before we move on to #2. I get it, I really do, and most women are by default, better at this concept than men are - not by sole choice, but also by wiring, by nature/nurture, and by the systemic role of gender in our society. We’re expected to be better in this capacity, sometimes unfairly. However, I’m also not sure if it’s fair to be able to do something more easily and not guide somebody who wants to learn to emote differently and then be resentful that they haven’t learned.
Ok, phew, second: this has to do with the societal role of men and women. The stereotypical or traditional role where men are expected to go to work and provide, not feel or talk much about feelings, fix repairs, drink a beer or 2, get some sleep, and rinse and repeat. The part that women can play in this? Have actual realistic, healthy boundaries for the men in your life. (Reminder: boundaries are safeguards for the person implementing them (what will and won’t be tolerated), and they also can benefit the person receiving them.) These boundaries can be verbal boundaries, emotional boundaries, and physical boundaries. A verbal boundary can sound like “If you continue to talk to me like that, I am done having this conversation.” An emotional boundary can resemble not allowing someone’s mood, especially if they are in a bad mood, to affect or change yours. Engaging in a grounding technique or two (few deep breaths, feeling your feet press into the floor, a mantra like “I am responsible for my own feelings”) can be helpful in staying emotionally regulated. Co-regulation is a helpful tool; the more regulated you are, the more opportunity to stay regulated the other person has. A physical boundary can resemble creating shared tasks in the home: washing dishes, mopping floors, cleaning the bathroom, or financial boundaries such as splitting bills in half if people in a shared living environment are both gainfully employed.
These boundaries can help prevent resentment and increase a sense of pride, belonging, and commitment which bolsters self-esteem and mental health for both men and women.
Stay tuned for part two on how men can play a part in caring well for other men.
Stay tuned for part three on how men can play a part in caring well for women.
Stau tuned for part four on how women can play a part in caring well for other women.
Different Types of Self-Care
Taking care of ourselves is necessary - the relationship we have with ourselves is one of the most important ones that we have. But how we take care of ourselves is equally as important. Not all self-care is made the same. I like to break down self-care into two different categories: the fun types, and the not-so-fun types. Both are important to balance to ensure that the “not-so-fun” self-care practices don’t get neglected because when we start to get off-kilter for too long, chances are good we’ll start to experience overwhelm and dread about some of these practices. When this occurs, our brains are more likely to want to avoid perceived or actual overwhelming situations and therefore, we continue to neglect engaging in these things which only leads to more dread, anxiety, and overwhelm. It’s an unrelenting mental and behavioral trap; let’s try to stay ahead of this.
Below I will list examples (not all inclusive) about ways to practice self-care in both of these categories and how long, on average, the “not-so-fun” ones take to help the brain see that some of these tasks we like to put off and procrastinate on, actually don’t take that much time to complete. We probably waste more time thinking about completing a few of these tasks than it would actually take to just do them!
Examples of “fun” self-care practices:
Getting a massage
Taking a warm bath
Getting a hair-cut and/or shave
Getting a manicure/pedicure
Reading
Watching TV/Netflix/Hulu/Disney
Playing video games
Going on a coffee run
Grabbing brunch or dinner with a friend
Examples of “not-so fun” self-care practices:
Scheduling an annual physical appt with primary care physician (PCP) - 10 minutes max
Finding a PCP if you don’t have one - 1 - 2 hours
Scheduling a dentist appointment - 10 minutes max
Going to therapy ;) - 60 minutes (+ ___ minutes if you’re commuting, +0 minutes if you’re telehealth)
Working out/going for a walk/to the gym/strength training - 15 - 60 minutes
Doing the laundry/washing bed sheets - 2.5 hours total (30 minutes max of active energy exertion)
Paying bills on time/budgeting - 2 hours-ish/week
Cleaning out the junk drawer - 20 minutes
Fixing your sleep schedule/getting enough sleep - ongoing. 8 hours+/day.
Make it a goal to pick at least one item from each list and get it done. Notice how you might feel a sense of accomplishment once it is done.
Piece of encouragement: practice makes progress.
Chasing Dopamine: The Relationship Between Pleasure and Pain
The struggle in our brain between wanting to do something and actually doing it is real.
Something I've been practicing is the "it'll take 10 minutes" rule. When I often find myself putting off things that I want to do or need to get done, I remind myself that sometimes those things will only take 10 minutes max.
Unloading the dishwasher, folding some towels, texting that person back, sending that email, cleaning up dog poop outside, prepping some sweet potatoes, etc.
By reminding my dopamine deficient brain that a lot of things don't require as much time and energy as it thinks it will and then actually doing that thing to prove it to the brain, I start to re-wire that pattern and release some dopamine. This makes it more likely to build consistently healthier habits.
Avoidance is a common, but powerful behavior that can quickly become an undesired habit if gone unchecked.
One of the reasons we tend to avoid doing things is to minimize discomfort. Our brains don't like pain, either real or perceived, so out of its primitive survival tendencies, the brain will go to great lengths to avoid it.
When we avoid something that our brain views as painful or uncomfortable, it starts to build an association between avoidance and feeling better (less tension, stress, or discomfort.) The issue is this so called relief is temporary and the thing that needs to get done doesn't go away. The brain will engage in more and more avoidance in effort to experience more pleasure, or less pain. And this is how we find ourselves feeling "stuck.'
Here's one thing to try that builds off of the "10 minute rule" - write down 3-5 tasks that will take no more than 10 minutes to do on a post it note or a piece of paper, and once you accomplish each one or even a few, cross it off the list.
Crossing it off the list and seeing it crossed off feels good and continues to prove to the brain that real pleasure isn't found in avoidance, but in accomplishment.