Caring well for men: the part women can play.
I was perusing Target the other day and that trip has encouraged me to write this blog. As I was walking through the aisles with my shopping basket, I overheard a gal mention how much she really dislikes men. Nothing more, nothing less - and I imagine that if I nonchalantly stopped and pretended to look at something in the aisle, there might not be more to that comment. It didn’t seem like she hated men, or even that she wanted to live on a planet free of them. I would imagine that there probably was some level of pain in her soul, probably caused by a man, that was the source behind the comment. Yet I still find myself thinking about that encounter and what it might mean for the mental well-being of both men and women in the future.
Men increasingly struggle with the reality of loneliness - minimal, if any, social support, pressure to work and financially provide, and the expectation to “be strong” and hide emotions, except for maybe anger. This dynamic only perpetuates the already problem of substance misuse, suicidal ideation and attempt, and depression amongst today’s men. Anger is a secondary emotion - underneath the anger is typically an emotion that feels more vulnerable - hurt, sadness, loss, despair, regret, guilt to name a few. These primary emotions don’t always get the opportunity to be acknowledged, felt, validated, and supported as a result of the loneliness crisis occurring in and around men, which also then just perpetuates men feeling lonely.
I want to focus on the “around men” factor that contributes to men’s loneliness, and eventually poorer mental health status. The “I really don’t like men” narrative. I want to preface this with nothing that’s written in this blog post is meant to excuse men from taking responsibility for any of their poor behavior, past, present, or future. Just as men are fully and solely responsible for their behaviors, so are women responsible for theirs. Moving along - in my sessions, I constantly remind people that there is a difference between what they think, or what they feel, or what they do and who they are. Let’s use men and anger as an example - when a man feels angry (or insert primary feeling), it doesn’t have to mean that he acts angry. Or if he acts angrily, it doesn’t have to mean that he is aggressive or abusive. I like to believe that when men are given the chance to develop a healthy, boundaried relationship with their emotions, including the vulnerable ones too, we see their anger start to subside.
How can women play a part in this? First, develop a healthy and boundaried relationship with your own emotions, especially the vulnerable ones. The more comfortable and secure we are with our own sadness, hurt, disappointment, grief, regret, and guilt, the more open we are to sitting with these emotions in men without getting overwhelmed by them and risking further invalidating or minimizing their pain. The more grounded we are in the concept that feelings are just feelings, they come and they go, the more helpful we can be. Real quick tangent, but I also want to address the frustration that women may feel as it relates to the often reported emotional unavailability of men and having to “teach or re-parent” before we move on to #2. I get it, I really do, and most women are by default, better at this concept than men are - not by sole choice, but also by wiring, by nature/nurture, and by the systemic role of gender in our society. We’re expected to be better in this capacity, sometimes unfairly. However, I’m also not sure if it’s fair to be able to do something more easily and not guide somebody who wants to learn to emote differently and then be resentful that they haven’t learned.
Ok, phew, second: this has to do with the societal role of men and women. The stereotypical or traditional role where men are expected to go to work and provide, not feel or talk much about feelings, fix repairs, drink a beer or 2, get some sleep, and rinse and repeat. The part that women can play in this? Have actual realistic, healthy boundaries for the men in your life. (Reminder: boundaries are safeguards for the person implementing them (what will and won’t be tolerated), and they also can benefit the person receiving them.) These boundaries can be verbal boundaries, emotional boundaries, and physical boundaries. A verbal boundary can sound like “If you continue to talk to me like that, I am done having this conversation.” An emotional boundary can resemble not allowing someone’s mood, especially if they are in a bad mood, to affect or change yours. Engaging in a grounding technique or two (few deep breaths, feeling your feet press into the floor, a mantra like “I am responsible for my own feelings”) can be helpful in staying emotionally regulated. Co-regulation is a helpful tool; the more regulated you are, the more opportunity to stay regulated the other person has. A physical boundary can resemble creating shared tasks in the home: washing dishes, mopping floors, cleaning the bathroom, or financial boundaries such as splitting bills in half if people in a shared living environment are both gainfully employed.
These boundaries can help prevent resentment and increase a sense of pride, belonging, and commitment which bolsters self-esteem and mental health for both men and women.
Stay tuned for part two on how men can play a part in caring well for other men.
Stay tuned for part three on how men can play a part in caring well for women.
Stau tuned for part four on how women can play a part in caring well for other women.
